by Willow-wode

Evil things all pick on me

I’m singled from the bunch

They don’t care how cute I am

All they want is lunch!

Half my fellows’ time is spent

In ‘Save the hobbit’ action

If one more critter grabs my leg

I’ll spend six months in traction

 

The times I try to ‘disappear’

Old Sauron comes to call

Complete with spooky sound effects

And he always makes me fall

The Ring keeps nagging all dam’ day

"C’mon, just give a try"

Like, duh!--then wouldn’t I get found?

My brain’s not quite that fried

 

And my oldest buddy Gandalf

Tells me zilch and zip

I hate to break it to him: I know

This ain’t no pleasure trip!

He says he wants to shield me

From the darkness and despair

Meanwhile I’d feel much better

With a change of underwear

 

chorus:

I’ve got aches and pains and midge-bites

And a thorn in my big toe

My hair’s become a bug motel

And I freeze when I’m in snow

The Ring gives me a headache

On my love life it’s a damper

Have mercy on me, please--

I am not a happy camper!

 

If I could get a full night’s sleep

Then things might be all right

But Sam, he kicks me in the rump

And snores all bloody night

If he’s so worried for me then

He needs to take a walk

This protective instinct’s killing me

And makes the guys all talk!

 

Merry’s got a tapeworm--

Well! He’s eating all the time!

I saw him gnawing hopefully

At a rutabaga rind

He ran out of his pipe-weed

And it’s made him really hot

No wonder Pippin’s hungry

While Merry scarfs the lot

 

And if that weren’t quite dismaying

Young Pip’s discovered pints

He was dancing on the table

At the Pony late last night

If the Riders hadn’t found us

And we’d not been forced to dash

Pippin might’ve found his calling

And a lot of ready cash

 

I’ve got aches and pains and midge-bites

And a thorn in my big toe

My hair’s become a bug motel

And I freeze when I’m in snow

The Ring gives me a headache

On my love life it’s a damper

Have mercy on me, please--

I am not a happy camper!

 

My relationship with Strider

Started rather rough

He threw me up a staircase

And acted kind of tough

I was a little worried

‘Till his girlfriend set me straight

"That’s just his self-doubt speaking

He’s real shy on a date!"

 

Now Boromir keeps watching me

I don’t know what to think

Sam has his own opinions, tho’

That sound a little kink

If I was the suspicious type

I’d worry and not rest

At the way that man keeps staring

At the jewelry on my chest!

 

And Legolas and Gimli

With whom I’ve tried to make amends

They hate each other one week

Then are the best of friends

They shoot me dark looks from their brows

And mutter ‘Silly hobbit!"

I think if they got to the Ring

In a pit somewhere they’d lob’bit!

 

So now we’re off to Mordor

Just ol’ Sam and me

With nothing but some crackers

(But made by elves, you see!)

So it’s weeks ahead of rocks and hills

Windburn, flies and dust

How’d I get into this scrape

Well, there’s one name that I’ve cussed--

 

If this Ring hadn’t come to me

Oh dear, what would I do?

Thanks a lot, dear Bilbo

I really love you, too!

I’ve got...

aches and pains and midge-bites

And a thorn in my big toe

My hair’s become a bug motel

And I freeze when I’m in snow

The Ring gives me a headache

On my love life it’s a damper

Have mercy on me, please--

I am not a happy camper!

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